Content Warnings: discussion of suicide
I glanced at the broken glass on the floor, then back at Leslie who stared at me in stunned disbelief. Was me volunteering really that shocking to them?
“Nope,” Leslie said finally.
Wait, what?!
“No, no, no,” they muttered. “Not gonna happen.” They turned back to the kitchen, pulling out rags from the cabinets.
I scoffed. “Leslie, I’m your best option.”
“And my answer’s no.”
I got up from my seat and crouched on the floor next to the spill. As Leslie wiped up the juice with the rags, I unraveled every shard of glass I could see.
“Everything you said you wanted for this mission describes me,” I said stiffly while we cleaned.
“I don’t care,” Leslie replied, not meeting my eyes.
“But I’m good at blending in. I fooled the System for years before – ”
“NO!” Leslie yelled. Their jaw was clenched as they stared at me, their mind clearly made up. But they weren’t the only stubborn one in this relationship.
“I can do it,” I replied, unraveling the last glass shard.
“I’m not sending you in, Dax. You’re not trained, you’re not – ”
“I can get trained.”
Leslie huffed. They stayed silent as the third rag soaked up the juice from the wooden floor. We each grabbed a clean rag to try and wipe up the rest of the spill.
“I will not send you in,” Leslie said again, their attention focused on the floor. “I can’t put you through that.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not like I’m gonna try to kill myself again.”
Leslie’s gaze snapped to me, a look of horror etched on their face. …I forgot I hadn’t told them that detail. “I- I had just failed a test,” I stammered. “I was already in a bad place, but this will be different!”
With a shake of their head, Leslie gathered up the dirty rags. As they walked back to the kitchen, they said, “Thowteoitemfajuhteiowklmdkfsjhtijskt is even more reason to not send you in.”
“Why are you so against this?!” I shouted as I stood up.
Leslie threw the rags into the sink before whirling around to shout back, “Because I love you!”
“That’s not – !” I stopped myself, staring at Leslie as what they said sunk in. This was the moment they chose to say that?
They looked at me with a pained expression – as if they were hoping I would understand what they weren’t saying. Then they let out a slow sigh. “I already have to deal with the fact that I gave a death sentence to the people I’ve sent in the past, the people I’ve… used. If you don’t come back…” Tears welled in Leslie’s eyes, their voice breaking. “I don’t think I can handle that.”
For a moment, I couldn’t say anything. For a moment, I thought they may have been right. Maybe I couldn’t handle returning to the System. Maybe I couldn’t be their spy. But I could do it – I knew I could. I was not the same person as when I lived in the System before.
“I love you too, Leslie,” I said finally, meeting their eyes. “But I’m still your best option.”
To be continued…