Content Warnings: depiction of anxiety
My breath came in short bursts. My heart hammered so hard I could hear it pulsing in my ears. I paced Leslie’s apartment, trying to ignore the lightheadedness that came and went. The mission was so close to starting. It was really happening. I was actually going to go back inside.
Could this all be a huge mistake? I said I could handle it to anyone who argued with me. I had silenced the doubt in my head so many times. What if I was wrong? What if I ruined everything? All that time and training wasted. Because I couldn’t do the one thing I said I would.
“What are you doing?” Leslie asked.
I jumped. I hadn’t noticed them come home. “Nothing,” I replied, barely glancing at them as I kept pacing. I couldn’t disappoint them. I had to succeed in this mission. At the moment, I didn’t care about anyone else – it was Leslie I didn’t want to let down the most.
“Is… something wrong?” Leslie asked.
“No,” I said as I stopped my pacing. The concerned look they were giving me did not help. “I just,” I started. “I’m not…” I let out a short burst of hysterical laughter followed by a groan as I shoved my hands through my hair.
I forced myself to take a deep breath. “I’m glitching,” I said finally. “It’ll pass. It’s fine. I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”
Leslie tilted their head to one side, looking at me with a blank expression. “Have you ever acted like this in the System?”
“Sometimes,” I admitted. This was it. They were gonna pull me off the mission and call it a failure before I could even try. I was practically showing them I couldn’t handle it.
“Do you wanna test your skills?” Leslie asked.
I stared at them. That was not what I expected.
“We can see how well your training holds up.”
As I stood there, trying to force myself to breathe evenly and barely succeeding, Leslie waited for my answer. It’s what Simone had been training me for: to not make the System suspicious even when I’m stressed. I could prove to myself and Leslie that I was capable of what was needed.
“Alright,” I said.
“Do you have any hearing problems?” Leslie asked immediately, not even bothering to ease me in.
“No,” I replied. One lie down.
“How do you feel about Outcasts?” they asked. The interrogator tone they’d adopted was unsettling, but I could deal with that.
“They’re dangerous terrorists and we’re safe from them inside the System’s walls,” I replied. My breathing came easier. And my heart was still pounding but at least it was confined to my chest.
“Dwethweiodfjsfjt the System?”
I stayed silent, trying not to let my spike of panic show. I hadn’t heard what they said. I couldn’t just say yes to questions – that could land me in all kinds of trouble. But I needed to answer something, anything.
“The System is our protector,” I finally replied, sticking with a safe answer. “She knows what’s best for us in everything.”
Leslie narrowed their eyes. My heart raced even more than before. Even if this was just a test, it was still nerve-wracking.
“So you’d never wish harm on the System?” they asked.
“Never,” I responded without hesitation.
Leslie smiled. “Congratulations. You’re an excellent liar no matter how you’re feeling.”
I let out a relieved laugh, crashing on to the couch. Leslie sat next to me, rubbing my shoulders as I started to calm down. I really could do it. I would succeed in the mission to bring the System down.
To be continued…